In the YEEEEAAAAR three thou-saaaaand, in the yeeeeaaaar three thou-SAAAAAND!

(in echo-ey voice): In the year 3,000, Conan O'Brien will be regarded as the biggest disappointment in late-night television history.

Now I usually try to be light hearted and fun on Deek & Dubb, the three times I posted last year (more on that later), but I want to get serious with you for a second: Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show is terrible. Now, before you throw your 1977 E Street Band commemorative mug at me, you'd better check my resume. I started watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien in 3rd grade. I used to stay up late and watch it with the volume on 5 so my parents wouldn't hear. I was there when they played 'Where in the building is Andy Richter'. I was there for Abe Vigoda's first cameos. I was there for 'Gonzo Television' and 'Apple Picking with Mr. T.' I was watching and supporting Conan O'Brien before you were even born.

With my staunch Conan support record solidified, let me also clarify what I mean by 'terrible.' I don't mean Jimmy Fallon or Craig Kilborn terrible. I don't mean George Lopez on a cable network terrible. And let's not even mention Carson Daly, because I would feel too bad for the word 'terrible' to use his name as a descriptive article. I mean not-as-good-as-we-were-led-to-believe-it-would-be...terrible. And therein lies the problem.

You want to know why Late Night with Conan O'Brien worked so well? It's the same reason underdogs win fights against superstars - there was no pressure, no expectation. Conan was a scrawny little grunt writer who's first appearance on national television was when he was brought out as the new host of 'Late Night'. People took one look and said 'I give it 6 months, tops.' Conan thrived under these conditions due to his astute understanding of self-deprecating humor and doom in general. It was funny when he made jokes about how shitty the set and special effects were, or how nobody watched the show, because it was all true. Hell, even in the original opening montage he is preparing to hang himself. He could also do gags, and treat guests in a way that most hosts would shy away from for fear of being fired, because what's the difference if he's fired today or in 3 months when the show's a failure?

This is what made us fall in love with Conan. He was a person on TV that you felt sorry for, who convinced you that your shitty job was better than his, even though he was in show business. However, once he moved to the Tonight Show, he couldn't use those jokes anymore. He couldn't say the show was jank, because it's an American television institution. Jay Leno's smug, arrogant, Hollywood persona, as difficult as it was to stomach, worked perfectly for the darling show of late night television. When they promoted Conan, they unwittingly cut the comedic legs out from under him. It's like putting Shaq in at point guard - yeah Shaq's a great basketball player, but only in the context of the center position. Put him in at point guard, where speed, agility, and ball handling skills are what will make you successful, and he's going to fail miserably.

It's hard to watch, because I wanted nothing more than for Conan to be a huge success, the next Carson - or better. But unfortunately what I feared would be the case has become the case: Conan just wasn't cut out to be the big star NBC is trying to make him into - the type of person he constantly lampooned, to the audience's delight, on Late Night. In a way it makes me happy, happy that he didn't sell out. I'm happy to see him sinking the ship his way, not bending to NBC's every whim and humiliating himself in the inevitable process of slow and painful failure. What I want is Old Conan back in Old Conan surroundings. I want him to get demoted, just imagine the jokes he'd have! He could make Late Night the new Tonight Show instead of vice-versa. I'd watch it.